My Obituary

Okay, so before I just post my obituary all willynilly, I suppose I should explain. Especially seeing as I'm still alive. I hope. Touch wood.

Anyway, for a journalism assignment we had to write an obituary for our partner, and as weird as this may be, I really liked mine. So, without further ado, my obituary dear readers!

Second Year B Journ student at Rhodes University, Kelly, died this week at the age of 21.With her lower lip piercing, genuinely friendly smile and her brown hair, Kelly fit in with the low key lifestyle Grahamstown had to offer.

Muller was born in Pietermaritzburg and grew up in Bedfordview in Johannesburg, where she finished high school at St Andrew’s School for Girls in 2009.  She lived with her mother and her soon to be step-father. She was an only child between her parents however she did have two older step brothers and a younger half-sister.

During her time in Grahamstown she was a voice over artist for audio books at the South African Library for the blind. Kelly was studying Journalism and Media Studies, Chinese, Sound Technology and Art History had had plans to major in Chinese and Journalism and Media Studies. She had hoped to further her career through Chinese as a translator or through Journalism and Media studies, a subject she had hoped to specialise in TV or Radio.

Although not much of a member of the partying student culture, the self-proclaimed introvert had preferred to be with her small group of friends at someone’s digs, as opposed to hitting Grahamstown’s various student filled pubs and bars. While she seemed fairly reserved, she did voice her opinions out on what seemed to be a rather entertaining blog called kellywellyjellybelly on blogger.com. 

Gone too soon, she had been able to travel all over the world, and had grown comfortable in herself. She surely will be sorely missed by those who knew her.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, my death somehow involved bananas. Bloody bananas, I knew I hated them for a reason...

Non-holiday birthday rating - not awesome

When I was still in school, my birthday was ALWAYS during the holidays. Now that was all well and good, but comforting myself with the fact that, while I was partying with my parents down here on this earthly plane; Shakespeare was celebrating his up with the big man himself, got old.

So I put up with 8 years of this – I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether I finished my entire schooling career in 8 years or else just changed schools – and I was excited for this new period in my life. One where I could know what it was like to wear an A4 piece of paper with a hastily scribbled “It’s my birthday! Give me presents NOW!!” around my neck, and have my class sing to me before cutting into THE most awesome cake of all time.

These illusions were shattered very fast. Last year, I realised that my holiday would once again cover my birthday. I took the consolation prize – my massive Easter egg and bunny collection from that weekend.

This year I was afraid to look at the calendar – could it be? Could the fates have finally deemed me worthy of such a prestigious event as to have my birthday during the term? Yes, yes they could – and would (and should). I was ecstatic! Finally (finally!) I could experience that moment of true amazingness.

So it will disappoint you to know that I woke up, as usual, with bed head and an incurable desire to just skip all lectures and work. It was great to have all my friends around to wish me happy birthday though, and my parents sent me the most enormous bunch of flowers and a hamper filled with goodies.

Disaster struck just as I was getting comfortable in my new role. I went to my Sound Technology lecture after lunch, and even though she has NEVER ASKED THIS BEFORE, our lecturer asked if anyone had a birthday. “That’s me!” I thought! What a chance! What an opportunity! Here is my moment – the moment just like all those others had in class. To have that acknowledgement of your non-achievement – managing to stay alive for 21 years.

Then, god bless him, a friend of mine started to sing! Wonder of all wonders, this can be checked off my list! But then it all went horribly wrong. It was WEIRD. Why were they all singing at me? What do I do with my face? Where do I put my hands? Where do I look? Seriously, I have never heard a rendition of “Happy Birthday” that was so long. So off-key. So creepy.

 And the WORK! Dear god, the work. Have I mentioned how many assignments I have every week for Journalism alone? Well, it’s a lot. Then there’s Chinese. Just to clarify, I love Chinese, the language is interesting and the culture is so different from any other I have studied. The aforementioned Journalism assignments crushed my work ethic for Chinese faster than a fat kid could eat a muffin, so I spent yesterday trying to catch up. 

I did go to gym last night, but then I ate Maggi 2 Minute noodles with mini cheese grillers, so I think I basically just tried to soak up a lake with a sponge... 

Regardless, my birthday was, and still is BOSS, and I invite you all to my partay on Thursday evening.

Oh and to console myself yesterday, I went onto Youtube and found this guy:

Top 10 Things you can take away from the Harry Potter series

While I was going through my usual study cycle - exhibit A:




                  



 - I began to think about Harry Potter and what you can actually learn from it withought looking at each lesson in context.

Therefore I present to you the "Top 10 things you can take away from reading the Harry Potter series" by Kelly Muller Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock:

10.  "Revenge is a dish best served cold" evidence - Severus Snape; there's nothing better than torturing the child of your former nemesis after he bullied you incessantly throughout your schooling career.

9.      When people tell you to kill someone coz they’re bad – just do it.

8.      A sycophantic attitude toward your crush will eventually pay off – see “Ginny Weasley”

7.      Getting some action in when you’re supposed to be killing the Lord of darkness and mayhem is near impossible – especially when some sparkly bastard is muscling in on your turf.

6.      Slacking off will make you more successful than any degree or diploma – see “Fred and George Weasley”

5.      Do not underestimate the pudgy kid in the back who always gets everything wrong. He will kill your humungous pet snake one day.

4.      Always get kids to do your dirty work - preferably when they're younger than 17 or so; the earlier you start the better.

3.      Pink is a colour for crazy bitches who collect plates depicting frolicking kittens and who will carve words into your skin when you use your common sense.

2.      Everything is cooler with magic – without it, all of those role-players out there are just weirdos in dresses and pointy hats running around on brooms waving sticks around.

And the number one thing you can take away from reading the Harry Potter series IIIIIISSSSS:

1.      Gingers get the girl, heroes get the ginger. Gingers breed like rabbits. i.e. forget technology – gingers will take over the world someday.

Happy Monday, gooday, 再见, totsiens, adieu, au revoir and hambani kahle.