The Depression vacation - Seratonin has never looked so good...

Why am I depressed? I don't know. And I swear to god, if you ask me if it's my "time of the month", I may just have to retire my moral standing on violence. I'll blame it on the depression.

I do know, however, that sometimes it's hard to know how to react when someone you know has  depression. Scenes like that can be illustrated by picturing the expression of the face of a man-beast presented with a crying woman/child. At least, that's always how I imagine it.

It wasn't clear, at first that there was a problem. I can't remember how it started; but I do remember the first time I realised something was wrong. I woke up one day and realised that, through a process of various excuses and good use of procrastination techniques, I had managed to miss an entire week of lectures and tuts. I can't even remember what I did that week. 

Depression is a strange beast. The symptoms are so contrary that it can be excused as something else entirely - if you eat too much, or too little; if you sleep more than usual but wake up feeling tired, or suffer from insomnia; feeling fidgety/can't sit still, or else you move at a slower pace than usual. 

In my case, it's all the first ones, besides the last - fidgety, I am not. Once you know what the problem is, it is easier to deal with. I was ecstatic at the thought that the wet wool blanket constantly dragging me down wasn't just laziness. That the antisocial preference for the sticking my nose in a book, never to emerge; rather than the family friends over for dinner, wasn't the beginnings of agoraphobia. That I didn't have to worry as much about the conflicting feelings of the enjoyment of doing work for subjects such as Mandarin versus the tendency to mope around hating all the deadlines piling up around me like a cracked dam wall.

There was a huge sense of relief that took all the pressure off - it wasn't just me! This is all Seratonin's fault! Huzzah for antidepressants that made me feel like my organs were rattle-shaped and  in the hands of a very enthusiastic baby; but more importantly - that made me feel excited about things towards which I had previously only felt apathy.

There are two things I learnt very quickly, however:

1. Medication can only do so much
2. Food can only do so much 

I haven't really paid much attention to no. 2 though - I'm pretty sure I should now be a major stockholder in Nandos, Lays, Coca-Cola and any company that is selling chocolate products.

My social life is still a mess. I'm sorting out my university work, although it feels a lot like chasing dropped R200 note flailing around in the wind evading capture. My res room is STILL a mess, complete with unpacked boxes, an unmade bed, unknown amounts of takeaway-container debris, shoes and clothes. I still feel like a failure 5 days out of 7 - and the other two days are kinda hazy so I'm not too sure about those. I still feel the need to sleep until 10 (13:00 is my record). I still eat enough to feed a large, over-populated country. I still fall into slumps where I feel hopeless and resigned. I still cling to ridiculously stupid things that only serve to clutter up my life and my room. I still berate my traitorous body and mind for being so weak - for not fighting harder. I still don't know how to fix all the damage I've done to my life and those in it.

Every now and then, I wake up and the sky is overcast; everyone I meet coming down the stairs is hungover; Jacob Zuma did something dumb and the dininghall has run out of Bovril. Sometimes these are the days when I'll wake up feeling like I just had a vitamin B injected into my butt. These are the days where I do all my assignments in a couple of hours. The days when I wake up at 8am feeling refreshed. The days I love everything about myself. The days when I can sit on my window sill and stare at the view for hours in awe of the sky. Whatever the cause, these are the days that save me.

Because I sound like I swallowed five self-help books, I'm going to end off with a link to someone who expressed her depression in a far more satisfying way:
Hyperbole and a Half - Adventures in depression

A quick note (30/09/2012):
I'm far from being an expert - medical or otherwise - on depression; but I do know what it feels like, obviously. If you or a friend are going through this too, feel free to comment below, I'm really interested to know how others handle it...

My Obituary

Okay, so before I just post my obituary all willynilly, I suppose I should explain. Especially seeing as I'm still alive. I hope. Touch wood.

Anyway, for a journalism assignment we had to write an obituary for our partner, and as weird as this may be, I really liked mine. So, without further ado, my obituary dear readers!

Second Year B Journ student at Rhodes University, Kelly, died this week at the age of 21.With her lower lip piercing, genuinely friendly smile and her brown hair, Kelly fit in with the low key lifestyle Grahamstown had to offer.

Muller was born in Pietermaritzburg and grew up in Bedfordview in Johannesburg, where she finished high school at St Andrew’s School for Girls in 2009.  She lived with her mother and her soon to be step-father. She was an only child between her parents however she did have two older step brothers and a younger half-sister.

During her time in Grahamstown she was a voice over artist for audio books at the South African Library for the blind. Kelly was studying Journalism and Media Studies, Chinese, Sound Technology and Art History had had plans to major in Chinese and Journalism and Media Studies. She had hoped to further her career through Chinese as a translator or through Journalism and Media studies, a subject she had hoped to specialise in TV or Radio.

Although not much of a member of the partying student culture, the self-proclaimed introvert had preferred to be with her small group of friends at someone’s digs, as opposed to hitting Grahamstown’s various student filled pubs and bars. While she seemed fairly reserved, she did voice her opinions out on what seemed to be a rather entertaining blog called kellywellyjellybelly on blogger.com. 

Gone too soon, she had been able to travel all over the world, and had grown comfortable in herself. She surely will be sorely missed by those who knew her.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, my death somehow involved bananas. Bloody bananas, I knew I hated them for a reason...

Today This Girl dies getting Lost in Translation

What is wrong with people and communicating these days? No-one talks anymore, it's all BBM and Facebook and Twitter and mxit and emails (although Twitter's saving grace is its 140 character limit); even just the thought of talking to someone over the phone brings me out in a cold sweat. Sometimes, just to make an appointment I have to sit for 10 minutes beforehand just to figure out what I'm going to say just so I don't sound like a total dumbass. Even when people talk on Facebook, most of the time it's limited to the, 'Howdy Partner! How'd you like to be neighbours? Come and join me in Farmville where you can grow delicious fruits and vegetables on your very own farm!' notification, and apart from the disgustingly chipper tone that sounds nothing like how your friend would normally speak and awfully a lot like a cult recruiting agency, there's just something not quite right about spending 5 hours planting virtual corn to make non-existent money. And can someone please enlighten me as to what is so appealing about being buzzed every 5 seconds on BBM just so someone you hardly ever talk to can say 'Hi! <insert weird yellow smiley face with tongue sticking out>'? Blackberry's are overrated, I want my IPhone back.


Well, that concludes my rant of the day, bought to you by FMyLife... Thank you for being such a good audience. Oh wait, there's more (of me talking – not more ranting):


On another, happier note, Thursday marked the signing up of societies at my university – my intention was to join one besides the Chinese society (to which Chinese students are automatically registered) and I went there with a happy (slightly bored) heart. I'm now the proud participant of 5 societies. The sports sign-up is on Saturday, I may need to be restrained. Honestly though, some of these societies had CUPCAKES!!! I ask you, how can anyone resist a good cupcake – the one they gave me for signing up to the Anime Society even had my very own pink little 'K' smooshed onto a slightly disturbing blue iced topping – but that's just the magic of cupcakes. My friend Claire actually got a plant. No, not the plastic showy ones that people put in their offices to look 'pro-Earth-chic', an actual little plant – with weird stubby little leaves – I can't remember what it's called though, I'll have to ask later. As we've introduced a new character into this fascinating little story, I'll pause for a moment to do a little character profile... Claire came into our res a little later than the rest of us, and you know how that goes a lot of the time – people (especially girls) tend to be pack animals, once they've found their allies there's no going back and that's pretty much what happened. It was almost as if we all had the mentality that because it felt as if we'd all known each for years, Claire was suddenly 'the new girl', even me I'm a little ashamed to say. I remember the one day in the common room when we were practicing our serenades (a story for another time), looking at her as she came a kinda lost look on her face and thinking – I know how that feels – and it was really intense because I really do. That feeling of missing something completely for the simple reason that you came in at the wrong time. Even then though, I still didn't go up to her – really bad, I know, but we eventually got talking and I'm really glad we did because before that I'd been feeling a little lost myself.
Enough of the maudlin now, I have no money til next month... That's still maudlin you say? Not really, I have accommodation and food every day, and as for alcohol – well judging from last night's escapade, I don't have to worry about that for quite some time. Turns out a Zappa shot can go a long way. Ni yào kāfēi ma? Your Chinese sentence of the day and a partial study for as I have a Chinese dictation on Monday, wish me luck! As it is, life's pretty good so far, and because I'm feeling so generous, here's an extra-long Easy A quote to make up for todays somewhat boring postJ
Olive Penderghast: If he's so smart, why is your boyfriend 22 years old and still in high school?
Marianne: Because, Olive, it's His choice!
Olive Penderghast: Oh, really? His choice? He just *wants* to be repeating his senior year for, like, the fourth time 'cause he can't pass a single test?
Marianne: No, silly,
[points up]
Marianne: His. His, with a capital H. If the Good Lord had wanted Micah to graduate, he would have given him the right answers.