Beam me up, Captain America

Chris Evans in tights YET again! Bigger than ever before - what a gift to the big screen. Okay, both of the movies were really good; actually they were BRILLIANT. I watched the Avengers with a friend a couple of weeks ago and it was hilarious. The scene with the Hulk flinging Loki around was great, I got the giggles for ages - I still laugh every time I think about it.

I also watched Captain America the other day, although I probably should have watched them the other way around. I actually got pretty emotional towards the end (SPOILER ALERT) and I even cried when he's flying the plane into the ground; and yet AGAIN at the end. "I had a date." DEAR GOD, I just wailed - it was ridiculous. I'm pretty sure my neighbour thinks I'm a complete freak. Just an FYI, I never cry - except in the Lion King; but honestly,if you don't cry when Mufasa dies? You have no soul.

After the two movies, I was still in Chris-Evans-fever mode and also bored. What does one do when bored? Why one goes onto sites such as Youtube, of course! Well, then I howled for a different reason altogether - in one interview Chris Evans and Hemsworth are waiting for it to start while this woman is giving her little intro speech; and what does she say to get them started?

"Hi, I'm Carly Steel for Epix news and it's a battle of the biceps as Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth reprise their roles as Captain America and Thor in The Avengers. Has there been anything you would like to avenge in your real life?
Evans: I got dumped at my senior prom." 

Um, I'm sorry what? Before we get into the fact that whoever broke up with Chris Evans probably regrets that decision just a tad; can we go back that neat little phrase. Battle of the biceps? Really? Please do yourselves a favour and watch the expression on their faces when she says it, Hemsworth literally facepalms:

It was great though, they did a great job in pairing those two together, they're both funny and they have a good dynamic going on. Even when it came out that Hemsworth had been on Australia's Dancing with the Stars (and didn't that just set off the howls of laughter again - my neighbour might not be living next to me anymore), Evans was just like, "Actually that wasn't too bad." Far too nice, that blue satin shirt alone is enough ammo for AT LEAST a good few months.

What a great bunch of people those Avengers actors are; that must have been an awesome film to work on. I'm not just saying that because of the aforementioned biceps either - although those make things quite nice and easy on the eye. I do prefer Chris Evans in Fantastic Four though; the rangier build and short, dark hair suit him better. So basically the looks of Fantastic Four, but still as Captain America. Yes, I KNOW it wouldn't work, but it's MY dream - bugger off. Chris Evans, if by some slim chance you read this, don't hate to much on this glorious author's ridiculous ramblings - you've got the muscle, prepare to be ogled. Ah yes, sexism at its most hypocritical - love it! And on that note, I give you Chris Evans' soft side; one that loves jelly beans and the Goonies. Oh, and did you know he's a Buddhist? Interesting...

I try really hard to be cool. Emphasis on the 'try'

Okay, so along with the hipster influence virus (yes, I do realise that spells HIV - how naughty of me) going around these days, I'm feeling way too much pressure. Peer pressure - the social STD. All the faux *cough lenseless* ray bans, the expensive, strategically torn jeans and the too large tank tops showing off that little hint of bra. Okay, I'm sounding spiteful, that's just my jealousy talking - all I wanna do is be one of the cool kids.

I'm not fashionable though - at best I'm a copy-cat. I like to think it's because I'm too much of an Everyman. Quick aside: If you don't know to what I'm referring when I say 'Everyman', go get some culture you heathen beast. <---see peer pressure, I just gotcha!

Getting back on track though. I feel like I have to try hard to be cool. And random. It honestly doesn't come naturally - I bet you didn't know that one. Being completely random in an ironic yet funny way is really hard, and I do try, but it's just sooooo much work damnit. The self-deprecating though, now that's a big ball of fun.

See...Even in this blog post, all I've done is be random about being random to get your attention and make you like me. Dear God please like me. You know all I want is your approval. And a couple hundred Facebook likes. And money. Actually, just money - you can just give me lots of money.

I was going to go about the attention-seeking another way though. I used to daydream about being an actress. I even took Drama to Matric. Then I realised how much effort it takes to be a 'Thespian' rather than merely just an uncultured fool in tights on a stage. I got over the effort. Definitely did not get over being the centre (okay FINE, slightly off-off centre) of attention.

I also got over the admin of sticking - and excelling in - one sport or hobby. In my long illustrious life, I have participated in no less than 50. This includes (but is not restricted to) hockey, diving, gymnastics, ballet, tapdancing, kickboxing, athletics, chess (dear GOD I was bad at that) art (now THAT I kick ass at) and many many more.

These days, I just give in and realise that my talents lie elsewhere. Namely watching my flavour-of-the-week series, eat constantly student-style (i.e. lots of fat, carbs and general crap), pick up some uni work, put it down again, and finally after a long internal debate ending in a resounding "Screw it" - order Nandos.

So basically I've just wasted 10 minutes (depending on your reading speed - you should really work on that) of your life that you will NEVER get back telling you that I'm uncool, unmotivated, uncomplicated, undedicated (I just made that a word, shut up) and lazy. Whatta day for revelations. You must be so proud Mom.

Love and peace my oh-so-(sometimes)-faithful peeps.
Comment on this post or die. I've been watching horrors this month so I have new torture techniques!
Okayluvyabyeeeee!

Here's a new vid for ya!

Non-holiday birthday rating - not awesome

When I was still in school, my birthday was ALWAYS during the holidays. Now that was all well and good, but comforting myself with the fact that, while I was partying with my parents down here on this earthly plane; Shakespeare was celebrating his up with the big man himself, got old.

So I put up with 8 years of this – I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether I finished my entire schooling career in 8 years or else just changed schools – and I was excited for this new period in my life. One where I could know what it was like to wear an A4 piece of paper with a hastily scribbled “It’s my birthday! Give me presents NOW!!” around my neck, and have my class sing to me before cutting into THE most awesome cake of all time.

These illusions were shattered very fast. Last year, I realised that my holiday would once again cover my birthday. I took the consolation prize – my massive Easter egg and bunny collection from that weekend.

This year I was afraid to look at the calendar – could it be? Could the fates have finally deemed me worthy of such a prestigious event as to have my birthday during the term? Yes, yes they could – and would (and should). I was ecstatic! Finally (finally!) I could experience that moment of true amazingness.

So it will disappoint you to know that I woke up, as usual, with bed head and an incurable desire to just skip all lectures and work. It was great to have all my friends around to wish me happy birthday though, and my parents sent me the most enormous bunch of flowers and a hamper filled with goodies.

Disaster struck just as I was getting comfortable in my new role. I went to my Sound Technology lecture after lunch, and even though she has NEVER ASKED THIS BEFORE, our lecturer asked if anyone had a birthday. “That’s me!” I thought! What a chance! What an opportunity! Here is my moment – the moment just like all those others had in class. To have that acknowledgement of your non-achievement – managing to stay alive for 21 years.

Then, god bless him, a friend of mine started to sing! Wonder of all wonders, this can be checked off my list! But then it all went horribly wrong. It was WEIRD. Why were they all singing at me? What do I do with my face? Where do I put my hands? Where do I look? Seriously, I have never heard a rendition of “Happy Birthday” that was so long. So off-key. So creepy.

 And the WORK! Dear god, the work. Have I mentioned how many assignments I have every week for Journalism alone? Well, it’s a lot. Then there’s Chinese. Just to clarify, I love Chinese, the language is interesting and the culture is so different from any other I have studied. The aforementioned Journalism assignments crushed my work ethic for Chinese faster than a fat kid could eat a muffin, so I spent yesterday trying to catch up. 

I did go to gym last night, but then I ate Maggi 2 Minute noodles with mini cheese grillers, so I think I basically just tried to soak up a lake with a sponge... 

Regardless, my birthday was, and still is BOSS, and I invite you all to my partay on Thursday evening.

Oh and to console myself yesterday, I went onto Youtube and found this guy:

Top 10 Things you can take away from the Harry Potter series

While I was going through my usual study cycle - exhibit A:




                  



 - I began to think about Harry Potter and what you can actually learn from it withought looking at each lesson in context.

Therefore I present to you the "Top 10 things you can take away from reading the Harry Potter series" by Kelly Muller Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock:

10.  "Revenge is a dish best served cold" evidence - Severus Snape; there's nothing better than torturing the child of your former nemesis after he bullied you incessantly throughout your schooling career.

9.      When people tell you to kill someone coz they’re bad – just do it.

8.      A sycophantic attitude toward your crush will eventually pay off – see “Ginny Weasley”

7.      Getting some action in when you’re supposed to be killing the Lord of darkness and mayhem is near impossible – especially when some sparkly bastard is muscling in on your turf.

6.      Slacking off will make you more successful than any degree or diploma – see “Fred and George Weasley”

5.      Do not underestimate the pudgy kid in the back who always gets everything wrong. He will kill your humungous pet snake one day.

4.      Always get kids to do your dirty work - preferably when they're younger than 17 or so; the earlier you start the better.

3.      Pink is a colour for crazy bitches who collect plates depicting frolicking kittens and who will carve words into your skin when you use your common sense.

2.      Everything is cooler with magic – without it, all of those role-players out there are just weirdos in dresses and pointy hats running around on brooms waving sticks around.

And the number one thing you can take away from reading the Harry Potter series IIIIIISSSSS:

1.      Gingers get the girl, heroes get the ginger. Gingers breed like rabbits. i.e. forget technology – gingers will take over the world someday.

Happy Monday, gooday, 再见, totsiens, adieu, au revoir and hambani kahle.

Today This Girl dies of procrastination

...symptoms include: repetitive use of the phrase "I'll do it later/just now/tomorrow, etc.; sudden impulses to complete tasks other than the one you're currently worried about that you've been putting off; slight self-hatred and guilt.  

What a clichéd way to start a post after I've been gone for so long. I'm sorry. I should have put more effort in. After all, if I'm going to be skipping work to do a post, it might as well be a good one, right? Can't make any promises though - I've realised how useless I am in terms of consistency.

I’m not quite giving myself enough credit though. We’re about 3 weeks into a new year and term and I already feel like I’m keeping up with the workload. It just depends on your definition of ‘keeping up’. See, there are a couple; one is similar to going for a jog - you're pacing yourself and making good time. Another can be compared to all those American movies depicting a character racing frantically after a train, jumping on just before they would faceplant on the gravel. I don’t think that would work anymore though, I’ve become woefully unfit (a mere 1½ months away from my 21^st birthday). Plus those scenarios are completely ridiculous - why are those trains always so old fashioned anyway? I’m pretty sure that trains don’t have balconies on the back anymore these days… But I digress. 

I’ve been slaving over a desk in my little bat cave these past couple of weeks which mostly narrows down to me trying to stay abreast of the Chinese situation – a marginally successful endeavour.  When it comes to the social scene, however this year is BOSS.

In this case, on the weekends I join up with other people who have been working too hard and everyone just gets smashed. It’s so great. Seeing overworked schmucks getting more drunk than is wise and lunging at each other in misplaced lust (Friars – I’m talking about you, yes) is how I would imagine watching two drunken elephant-giraffe hybrids trying to hook up feels like. But we don’t judge here. Well, not to your face anyway.

To cheer everyone up, I have TWO glorious videos for you all to watch. One is Somebody I used to Know by Gotye:

The next one is the exact same song, but this group is just amaZING! Five people playing on one guitar; need I say more?

Somebody I Used to Know - Walk Off the Earth

By the way, whilst looking for the correct spelling of ‘schmuck’, I came across its definition – ‘the foreskin that is removed from the penis during a circumcision’. I’m not really quite sure how I feel about using that word anymore.

Today This Girl dies of technophobism and grammar nazism

I fully realise that the title of this post makes little to no sense; but you get to a certain point where you just stop caring about being correct - politically, grammatically or otherwise.

Usually I love messing around with gadgets and whatsits with cool little thingamajoggys that need 20% manual-knowledge and 100% fiddling-til-you-find-out-what-THAT-does-knowledge. Today - not so much. To provide some backstory - when i was on a gap year in 2010, I bought an iPhone4 in America with the money I made working at a summer camp. Despite many people telling me that it wouldn't work when i got back to South Africa due to 'exclusivity rights signed by Apple and AT and T', obviously I bought it anyway. Sometimes, when I got through particularly self-loathing stages in life, I think I may have bought it as a challenge. Tell me I can't use it when I get back? You simply MUST be lying, I will prove you wrong using some of the $1800 painstakingly earned over 9 weeks of my life to buy this wonderful piece of gadgetry! I guess the joke's on me then.

To get back to the point, after two years of attempts to use the phone through methods such as jailbreaking (waaay too complicated for such a so-called 'simple procedure'), Gevy sim (actually worked for a while until I stupidly tried to update my iPhone's software) and finally, the legal way (phoning Apple in America to try ask them to unlock the phone so I can use it here) I have finally admitted defeat and have officially given up.

Long story short, I am now the proud owner of an $800 paperweight.

Today This Girl Dies of So-Called Friends and Pirateerism

Strap on your peglegs matey, we got ourselves an epidemic on our hands! Yes, another one - and this one is nothing like anything that I've ever seen in my many years of seeing many things. If you just sit around and wait for it - it'll get you. If you try hiding in your room or some other magical wonderful place - it'll find you. If you try running away like Neve Campbell, or any other tragic herione in horror movies that ALWAYS trip on something (it's a completely seamless floor for crying out loud, how could you POSSIBLY trip?!?!?!?!?) it will, inevitibly, catch up to you. Even if you have tiger blood and are bi-winning... Anytime, anywhere - you WHILL be affected. Or infected. My brain has been addled (I know this because I am spouting things like 'addled'), so I can't remember which .

One day you will be sitting at lunch/in your room/in front of a gumball machine. A friend - a lovely, wonderful, beautiful, generous soul - who previously would not touch a fly for fear of damaging it's precious delicate wings - will come aong. This friend will then be bitten by the KILLJOY fiend. Hold your heads and duck for cover comrades, for nothing will stop this rampaging beast once it is set in motion. Try saying you want to miss a lecture/want to watch just ONE MORE EPISODE OF GLEE I SWEAR/I want a gumball, pay me now and then you look around and oh look at that there goes your head rolling down the table/desk/around and round and round and round in the gumballmachinetilyougetreallyreallyreallydizzyandithinkimightjustwanttogobuyaponyandgetoffthisrideahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Yes, I'm afraid this is a true story. Go look in Genesis. It happened to Adam too. And the Big Man in the sky. They both got bitten. All Eve wanted was to let a little loose eat a little junk food, and then the men come along and BOOM! Banishment and clothes for you! This is a major problem and I just don't understand. Men, you got us into clothes - so why do you always try to get us out of them again? I've come to a conclusion about the whole getting-kicked-out-of-Eden thing and Men? IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT! HA!!!

Anyway - killjoy bug. See now when this bug bites it turns afformentioned beautiful, generous, loving soul into ahhhiwillkillyouandeatyourfaceoffrighthereandnowmonster!!! otherwise know as The So-Called Friend. These creatures will try to persuade you to go your lectures! They will stop you from watching a whole season of your favourite show until three in the morning!! And, I'm sorry, young children will have to be removed from the premises for fear of internally-combusting just at the thought; they will try to make you go to the LIBRARY and do some WORK!!! Do not give in!!!! Procrastinate as long as possible!!! Or better yet, throw another comrade (preferably one who is even more of a slacker than you) out to the beast. It will distract it while you locate the appropriate authorities in your area, who will promptly assist you in any way posible. This is a serious matter after all.

On another note, Claire has lost her ring. It walked off in a huff about 3 hours ago and has yet to return. She was only trying to tell it that it was lookinga bit tarnished, and it said that how dare she imply that it is anything less than pure-blooded silver, and then Claire said that it was just rehashing old fights. But that just incensed it even more and basically things were said. Next thing you know they were dancing around the ring, sleeves scrunched back, showing each other what's what. Or something like that.

Please do tell if you see it anywhere.

So, onto other marvelous things, my eye has jumped ship. Apparently, it is an early onset of pirateerism and that many shocking symptoms are sure to follow. Next, the leg just FOOMP! pops off below the knee. Not to worry though, a little twig is sure to follow, and soon your wooden leg will be stable, sturdy and ready to use! I asked about the hook, and it's a No-Deal; it's copy-righted. I'm to expect a lump on my shoulder though - the feathers and beak grow in soon after that and then AWWWRKK! You got yurself a parrot thar matey! Here is a wonderfully gruesome picture of my eye for all and sundry to see!

I asked about missing teeth too, but my doctor says that it's just a silly myth an I was so relieved. I mean the rest is alright but missing teeth? I don't think so.

At least with my pegleg I get swagger. Can't be a pirate without swagger.